This Blog Might Be Another Thing for Me to Hyper-fixate on!

Today I did not take my antidepressants. I got downstairs into my car when it dawned on me and I had to wrestle with two paths. I could have one, turned the ignition back off is that even a proper phrase? , went BACK outside in the 'feels like 99 degree weather', walked up 12 steps or stairs lol, yes, I counted, walked around the corner, unlocked my door, and shuffled through my mess of a room all to take two little tablets, and do all of that again inversely to do what I originally set out to do. So as you know I chose the second option. I said bump them drugs and drove to the coffee shop to indulge in my current dopamine-kick, this blog.

I done found a shortcut to italicize things, so prepare to be sick of me

Today, in the midst of my late morning slumber, I was thinking maybe it's ok if I hyper-fixate on this blog for a month or so before my hospital rotations. The subscription that I had to purchase in order to attach the .com to this blog is a monthly one because I didn't feel that it'd be wise to purchase a whole year subscription just for me to abandon this blog when the responsibilities of life return to the forefront of my mind. July 29th.

July 29th is the day when the conviction of responsibility SHOULD take precedence over my day-to-day, but I know that if my hearts not in it, I will not give those responsibilities the best of my efforts. Which is exactly why I was put on that norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor in the first place.

I think at heart I could be some kind of investigative journalist like Carrie Bradshaw. I love, love, love being inquisitive to understand this life better and sharing little gems that I gain with the world. Like yesterday a very good friend of mine said some of the wisest words. Whether he was intentionally or unintentionally advising the crowd I'm still not sure but it was goodt advice. I really just asked him in some kind of vague way about the condition of his heart in regards to romantic love and he was dropping BARS. I mean this man is really able to put scripture into real perspecive. every. single. time. Last night tho, he talked about guarding his heart..

Proverbs 4:23 says

'Keep thy heart with all diligence, For out of it are the issues of life.' KJV

'Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." NLT

'Above all else, guard your affections. For they influence everything else in your life.' TLB

'Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.' AMP

'Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts' GNT

that last one reminds me of something my Pastor once said.

'The narrative you nurture in your soul's sacred space, becomes the compass that directs your earthly race' FOOD FOR THOUGHT FR

I don't want to pump fake like I can reproduce the message my friend gave because it was personal to his experience, but what I gathered from it could be applied to aspects of life beyond romantic love. It was practical and almost even common sense, but I think it's harder than it sounds to ACT like we have common sense, which is evident by the condition of many souls in this world lol, including my own! He just talked about how all the efforts he makes in seeking partnership are made in the simultaneous effort to protect his heart. Hearing this from a man was like 🥹. But these words shifted my world a bit.

What if above all else, I aimed to PROTECT my heart in all I do in an effort to cultivate better realities for myself?

I've seen how my heart being led astray has landed me in seemingly inescapable circumstances, which someday I will dive into in the tell-some-not-all, self depreciating article that I'm hesitantly working on haha. But I wonder what types of boundaries I would be able to practically set in place for myself this summer that might create a more harmonious lifestyle in which I'm able to balance work and play.

OMG every time I say the phrase 'balance work and play' I think about the Bratz Wii Game I used to play, and what a co-inky-dink, the featured drink at the coffee shop I'm at is called the brat, I didn't get one but still! The advice that the Bratz script gave to the workaholic is to work all you wish, but when you get stressed, overwhelmed, or down, do something fun for yourself and relax. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PLAYAHOLIC???!

What compassionate and practical advice would you give someone, me who spends too much time relaxing and doing nice things for themselves and struggles to be a good responsible adult? Like y'all I dread even cleaning my room, and you expect me to do my homework, let alone study, let alone stand on business... but I'm easily suited up for a good time.

Y'all wanna know something? I scored like crap on my writing tests in 4th grade, and my beloved teacher never blatantly said this to proctect my fragile little 8 year old ego, or maybe she did and I'm blocking that memory. Because Y'ALL SHE DID make an example out of me and had my paper on the overhead projector because I dotted all of my I's with little hearts hoping it would give me a better score because like spread love .. but I might've really been because I went off on wild unrelated tangents like I'm doing now... and honestly, that's been a theme in my life. Still to this adult day, I don't perform my best in school or in life's responsibilities because of my wild tangents and side quests and hyper-fixations, and honestly I hardly care to change that because as aforementioned in my first and most previous article, I DON'T WANT BIG PHARMA TO RULE MY LIFE. But I do still somewhat care to refine my character, which I'm sitting here doing all this typing on the topic.

Maybe if perhaps this blog is something I want to take seriously and be intentional about then I can make all types of articles about WHATEVER if going on in my life lol. Like in August when I'm learning about antibiotics, I can create articles to help me do the whole teach-back method thing. Because I want this to last. I want to buy the yearly subscription to attach the .com to this blog. I really don't want this to just be another dopamine-high for me for a time period that draws my wayward heart apart from the things that are truly important, like finishing school successfully with good post-grad opportunities and developing good discipline for my life.

I think I'm done talking now! Feel free to share some good advice to ya girl, and as always, thank you for your attention to the matter. Hugs and kisses.